Hard To Imagine
by The Raider
Summary: It's always hard to watch a loved one leave, but it hurts even more when they do it in an attempt to protect you. One-shot


**This is basically a partial rewrite of the first KOTOR one-shot I published on here, called "Just Breathe". I went back and expanded on it a little bit.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own KOTOR or Star Wars. They belong to George Lucas and Lucasarts/Bioware**

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_"Things were different then. All is different now._  
_I tried to explain. Somehow_  
_It's hard to imagine."- Pearl Jam_

_"It would have helped, had he made her understand. But she was always strong-willed, that one, and did not understand war as Revan did."- Kreia_

Once again his mind was divided, one side telling him what he was about to do was right, and the other saying it was wrong, that she would never understand. He knew both sides contained an equal truth, and he gave equal consideration to both sides. Outside the room, the sound of speeder traffic drifted inside, growing with each passing moment. A constant reminder of how far they were from where all of this had started.

It had been months since his memories had finally started to fully return, memories that had cost him night after sleepless night. The images of millions of his Jedi comrades slain by his own hand, the thousands of Mandalorians slaughtered at Malachor V, and his discovery of the Star Forge. There had been a time where he no memories of these events, a time where he felt a small measure of peace. Now, that time felt like an eternity ago, as ancient as the withered Sith tombs on Korriban.

The sound of rustling behind him snapped him out of his thoughts. Looking back, he saw Bastila, still asleep, searching for his warmth amongst the sheets.. Letting her feel his presence through the bond, he smiled as she fell back into a deep sleep. Silently extending his hand, his lightsaber flew off the night-table and into his hand. Clipping it onto his belt, he silently walked back over to the side of the bed.

She was beautiful even when she slept, her hair disheveled and her eyes enclosed in a dream. He smiled, enjoying the memories of the past two years of their lives. He only wished that it won't end this way, with him leaving. Not leaving her for someone else, but leaving to protect her, even if she wouldn't fully understand the reasons why.

"Revan?" he heard her say, although he knew she wasn't fully aware of what was happening around her, her mind still believing that she was in a dream.

"Right here, my love." He answered her, reaching over to gently move a few stray hairs out of her face. She unwillingly smiled at the gesture, as she often did. He let his hand linger on her cheek, knowing that he would want to remember this moment along with all of the others. Returning his hand to his side, he leaned down to kiss her, yet another memory he would want to keep.

"I promise you I'll come back someday. I promise." He said, standing back up and heading to the door. He stood there for a few moments, turning back to look at her one last time before he fully turned to leave. T3 had already prepared the _Ebon Hawk _for launch, although the droid didn't know the ship's destination. The droid had always been loyal to him, and had done what he had asked without question.

He had left a note for her, explaining why she would wake up and find him gone. She wouldn't understand, he knew, but he had to at least try. Try to let her know that he truly loved her, even if she hated him after this. He had sent Carth a similar message, telling him to protect the Republic at all costs. He knew what was going to come, and if Revan could have one legacy, it wouldn't be that of a Dark Lord, but that of a protector, defending the Republic at all costs, even if it meant sacrificing his own life.

As he turned around to face the landing pad, he imagined her there, begging him to stay. The image remained burned into his brain, infecting every shred of his vision. As he made his way up the loading ramp, he felt someone's presence behind him, the unmistakable sound of her voice making its way to his ears. Turning on his heel, he found her standing there, a robe thrown around her body in a disheveled fashion. He could already see her eyes already beginning to well up with tears waiting to be shed. Making his way back down the ramp, he watched as she ran to him, embracing him as she started to let the tears flow freely down her cheeks.

Neither of them said anything as they stood on the landing pad, the moon slowly beginning to disappear from the sky as the night began to draw to a close. It was painfully obvious that she had read the note, and knew what it meant. She knew he was leaving, but even that fact didn't numb any of the pain.

"You're…you're not coming back, are you?" She asked, her tears showing no sign of stopping. Looking down at her, he felt his heart threatening to break, as if it hadn't already. Her face awaiting an answer, he shook his head.

"I don't know."

She rested her head on his chest, unsure of what she could say. There was no persuading him not to go, his mind was already set on the path before him. She knew that he was only trying to protect both her, and the Republic they had fought so desperately to save. Still, that fact wouldn't change in the coming days. She would be alone, each and every day unsure of whether he lived or had perished somewhere out there.

As she pulled away, he kissed her, his embrace being returned almost instantly. Again, they stood there, each of them cherishing each second as it passed by. Finally, both of them pulled back, the tears that she had shed making Bastila's cheeks red. Taking a few steps back towards the _Hawk, _he kept his eyes on her, burning the image into his brain.

Finally he turned and took the final steps into the ship. As the loading ramp began to close behind him, he stole once last glance at her before she was out of sight. Walking towards the cockpit, he settled into his seat, the ship lifting off of the landing pad as his hands flew over the controls.

Below him, Bastila watched as the ship flew higher and higher into the sky, her eyes following it until it finally disappeared from view. The feeling of his kiss still fresh on her lips, she turned and head back towards the apartment, trying everything she could not to cry again. The empty feeling she felt inside of her hurt more than anything. Her entire life had changed in a single moment, and it was truly hard to imagine.


End file.
